I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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