i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
