If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
