My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
