they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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