I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
