did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
