the condom got lost in my hair
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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