I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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