Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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