Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
