does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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