I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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