Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
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I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
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So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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