So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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