You made me cry and you don't even care
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
