protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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