It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
