The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
