she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
