the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
