when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
