You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
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She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
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i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize