Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
im six kinds of drunk right now
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
