Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
