Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
