Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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