When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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