I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
