...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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