They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
