Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
