I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
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I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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