My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
