Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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