it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
