How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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