you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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