i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
