sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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