No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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