she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
