the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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