I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
