just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
