I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
