did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
