I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
