I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
