as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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