Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
