You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
